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Protecting
the Gift
Dateline: 3/23/02
by Ann Zeise
In our
Yahoo Group we've been discussing how talking to strangers
can be fun and enlightening and even lead to long friendships.
So how do we also teach ourselves and our children to protect
ourselves from less well-intentioned strangers?
When is it a good thing to have a little fear, a little wariness?
How do we teach our kids to be "streetwise?"
My husband picked up a book at Costco called "Protecting
the Gift" by Gavin de Becker that goes into these skills.
Actually, Scott saw it laying around and read it first, and then
"assigned" it to us grownups to read. "You need
to read this, Mom!"
Cary
Stayner, who killed those three Yosemite tourists, has been
quoted as saying he selected those women because they were "easy
prey." Makes you wonder what in the world they were doing
that made them look that way to this insane predator, doesn't
it? His trial is being held in my county shortly. A reader of
this article asked me to add this:
What Stayner was looking for, and found, was compliance masquerading
as "being nice." Those women didn't have a chance because
they were too concerned with not being rude to save their own
lives. The director of our local sexual assault victims advocacy
organization says she once asked perps in jail how they chose
their victims. One summed it up succinctly when he replied "I
just don't mess with mean women."
It has also been three years since the Columbine
High School rampage.
Becker explains how to trust your gut instincts when a stranger
behaves inappropriately. He does NOT advocate telling your children
"Never talk to strangers." Why? Because the child will
see you breaking this rule time and time again, and so will discount
its validity. Also, it is vary hard to define "a stranger."
I looked at a map of our city that showed where
sexual predators lived. There was one every block or two!
Yeh! (Megan's Law maps are available at police departments here
in California. I suggest you see if your state has a similar
program.) The odds are good that some neighbor your child sees
every day has a police record. The odds are better that someone
you DO know will harm you or your child!
The key is not to make your children fear other people. They
may need the help of strangers from time to time, and it would
be best if they learn now how to trust their gut feelings that
someone is likely to be nice and helpful, or mean. So if your
little one really does NOT want to be kissed by Uncle Joe, let
her have her way. Something inside is telling your daughter to
protect herself, and she may very well be right.
I like to point out, when others complain about homeschoolers'
so-called lack of socialization, that we probably stand a much
better chance of teaching our children to be "streetwise"
than do those whose kids are forced to be with strangers all
day long that they fear will harm them, but whom they can't escape.
We're really very good at determining "weirdos" as
a species. I use the term "weirdos" with my kids as
I want to make sure they aren't judging people by some superficial
difference, such as skin color or a disability. A "weirdo"
is someone your stomach, and not your eyes or brain, tells you
is a threat. Eyes can tell you the person is handsome and well
dressed, and rationalize that "neat" people aren't
dangerous. Your brain might be repeating messages about being
polite to adults. But your gut will never lie to you. It lets
you know under no uncertain terms when you need feeding, and
it starts churning acid when it gets afraid. Those who consistently
ignore their tummy messages wind up with ulcers.
What should you teach your child to do if they are lost in
a city situation? Teach them to go not to a policeman - because
they are hard to find when you need one - and not to "the
manager of the store" - hard to identify - but to select
a friendly looking woman and ask her for help. A woman with children
even better! Women tend to easily commit to helping a lost child,
usually have benign feelings about children, and there's usually
lots of them around.
Don't expect your children not to "wander off."
This is very hard for a child not to do. YOU keep an eye on them!
When Scott was little, I bought a device that looked like a phone
cord that had velcro wrist straps on either end, one for each
of us. He knew that we were both distractible, so loved the security
the "leash" provided when shopping or at the zoo. Now adays, these things hae gotten cuter,
such as this Monkey Backpack with the tail as a leash. As
he outgrew the need to be strapped, when we expected to be in
a crowd, I'd dress both of us in brightly colored shirts so we'd
be easy to spot. Fortunately, loud Hawaiian print shirts are
always in vogue in California! We'd also make a plan if we got
separated to head immediately for the merry-go-round or some
other pre-arranged landmark.
Some parents grow concerned if their children are ever defiant.
This is a protective gesture, and should actually be encouraged!
A teen who is always defiant and using defiance as a weapon probably
never got the chance to have their negative reactions acknowledge
in younger years. A child should be allowed to state it if they
don't want to do something or be with someone, and they should
be listened to. Listen to your children's reasons. Why do they
feel threatened?
How do you determine if your child is old enough to be alone
in public? Here's Becker's "Test of Twelve:"
Do your children know...
- How to honor their feelings if someone makes them uncomfortable,
that's an important signal;
- You (the parents) are strong enough to hear about any experience
they've had, no matter how unpleasant;
- It's okay to rebuff and defy adults;
- It's okay to be assertive;
- How to ask for assistance or help;
- How to chose WHO to ask;
- How to describe their peril;
- It's okay to strike, even to injure, someone if they believe
they are in danger, and that you'll support any action they take
as a result of feeling uncomfortable or afraid;
- It's okay to make noise, to scream, to yell, to run;
- If someone ever tries to force them to go somewhere, what
they scream should include, "This is not my father"
(because onlookers seeing a child scream or even struggle are
likely to assume the adult is a parent);
- If someone says "Don't yell," the thing to do is
yell, (and the corollary: If someone says "Don't tell,"
the thing to do is tell);
- To fully resist ever going anywhere out of public view with
someone they don't know, and particularly resist going anywhere
with someone who tries to persuade them.
#12 can be tested with a friendly adult you know but your
child does not. Pretend to be distracted in the park. Have the
friend tell your child that they've lost a puppy, would your
child please come and help them find the puppy. If your child
goes with them rather than straight to tell you, then they are
not ready to be out of your sight!
Becker ends his book observing: Your children give you the
gift of unconditional love. In return, you can protect your children,
knowing that loves grows best in safe places.
Additional Resources for Keeping your
Kids Safe
Snug and Safe
KIDS
Safety and first aid fun and games and downright serious lessons,
too.
Fire Prevention Unit Study - 10/07/97
Fire Prevention Week provides lots of opportunity to discuss
fire safety.
Fire Safety KIDS
Learn how to prevent a fire, and what to do if you
are caught in one.
Child Protection:
Serious Business
Crusade by homeschool mom, Megan Bayliss (BSW, Dip SOC, MAASW),
to help us all understand how to protect our children.
Protecting Yourself and Your Family
Child molesters have well-developed techniques for luring victims.
Generally, they are skilled at identifying vulnerable victims
and are able to identify better with children than adults.
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- Protecting
the Gift : Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (And Parents Sane)
by Gavin De Becker
- Without offering a compendium of every conceivable danger,
Gavin identifies warning signals and real risks that are often
easy to spot once you know what to look for. Teens will appreciate
this book, as will parents. My teen read this first, and then
handed it to me, saying, "You should read this!"
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