Living Joyfully With Children
Dateline: 11/26/97, Updated 11/19/99
By Ann Zeise
 'Tis the Season of
Joy, but sometimes with upset children it's difficult to have
that feeling of joy in the holiday season. Parents get distressed
because they can't do enough. Kids sense stress with their internal
radar and then they commence to whiiiiiiiiiiine.
I've had the chance on several occasions to meet with
my Milpitas neighbors,
Win and Bill Sweet, authors of the book Living Joyfully with Children which
I have made available for sale through Amazon, both because I
like these people very much, and they have such a gentle, nurturing
vision of how to live peacefully with children. They homeschooled
their children back when there weren't many others around doing
it.
December is a particular hard time for those using curriculum
to keep their kids focused on those text books. Often they fear
some truant officer will appear and find them wrapping presents
or decorating the tree. Horrors! What if you lightened up this
one month and let your children learn what they will from holiday
activities, how will you measure what they've gained? Here's
what I learned and interpret in my own way after reading the
Sweet's book.
 Living Joyfully With Children
Maximize Freedom and Success
minimize stress and failure.
That's it. Keep that in mind and measure your days against
that maxim.
OK, you say, but how do you put that in practice around the
holidays? Here are Win and Bill's suggestions
(in red) for this month and forever more.
With awareness and attention you can
create situations that will nourish and protect your children.
You can choose nourishing and safe foods and toys and holiday
events for your child. Can you plan to avoid a bullying relative
this year?
Do the "Taking Care of the Care
Giver" form again, this time with your holiday priorities.
Have each member of the family take it, too. This will help you
plan to make this holiday season more 'successful' than ever.
Praise and show them that you appreciate
them.
 Some other book
I read once recommended you track on a calendar that you notice
yourself doing this 4 times a day, to establish the habit. No
less, no more. Kids start getting suspicious if you do more.
Give children plenty of time to move
from one stage to another at their own pace.
If your child is not ready for that bike, don't "surprise"
him with one at Christmas. If they aren't ready for the responsibility
of a pet, get them a stuffed animal. On the other hand, if they
do feel ready to take on some new responsibility this time of
year, do encourage them. Last year mine felt he could assemble
the Christmas tree, and he did a fine job of it. It will be one
less thing you'll have to do.
 Strive
to demonstrate to them how valuable you feel they are; weigh
all family decisions in the light of the effect those decisions
have on the emotional core.
Hold a family meeting to decide Holiday ground rules. Base
these decisions on firm principles of physics and social science
and personal value systems. Demonstrate in many ways that you
feel their value to the family, but insist that it not be measured
in the prices you pay for their presents.
Discourage any competitive activities
before sufficient maturity takes place to make it possible for
the children to handle the competition without stress.
Competition at the Holidays? You bet! Plan after
dinner party activities where everyone can end up with a
smile on their face, even the littlest participants. Our tradition
has been to pull out old slide projector pictures of early family
days, to bring all the new in-laws and little ones up on "historic"
events. Get's pretty funny.
Positively reinforce children, verbally
and nonverbally, many more times than you correct them.
 Sandwich corrections
between praise. "I appreciate you ever so much for helping
me clear the table. Now hold the plate a little more level like
this so the food won't fall off. There!" And give them a
gentle pat on the shoulders.
Remind your children frequently that
you're glad they came to live with you, for no other reason than
that they are very special individuals.
 If you are in the habit of saying
grace, this might be a good time. You might give everyone advance
warning that you'll be asking them to say why they are thankful
that each other member of the family is with them for the holidays.
Give your children as many opportunities
as possible to have control over some part of their lives.
Ask your children which traditions they like and dislike.
You may be surprised that no one really likes sweet
potatoes. Can they think of any traditions they'd like to
start that other families may do? You may have to be prepared
for requests to celebrate like people of another religion do.
Prepare the children for some disappointments: they can't control
what gifts others will chose to give them, so give them control
over deciding what they can chose to give others.
Let your children have control over what they wear. One little
nephew decided that he wanted to be an Elf for Christmas, so
grandmother looked all over and finally found an Elf costume.
Not easy! Think of holidays when the men all wore plaid pants,
and you will get the picture: if adults can be a little goofy,
let the kids, too.
Separate mistakes and unacceptable behavior
from the wonderful individuals that children really are. "You
are wonderful, but that behavior is unacceptable."
 Remember that bad
behavior often is the result of fear. Try to get to the root
of the fear, and often the behavior will improve dramatically.
Lack of enough sleep and hunger often make children cranky, too.
Scale disputes up to adult level; see how you would behave.
Do you really want to share YOUR new presents with your siblings?
OK, NOW how would a tactful person solve the dispute? How could
the situation be turned around to maximize freedom and success
for all concerned?
Help children save face, rather than facing humiliation.
 May I suggest lessons in "tact"
in advance, as much as the child can absorb for their age. Practice
what to say when a gift isn't "just right" or is something
one already has.
Avoid insulting remarks. Promise you won't declare out loud
that your child is spoiled, lazy, fat, unappreciative, blah,
blah, blah. It really puts a damper on Joy.
Interview of Win and Bill Sweet from California Homeschool
Network, entitled "A Trove of Wisdom."
Cartoons from my registered copy of Web Explosion 20,000,
Nova Development Corp.
[Link here for a chance to win a Color Connectix QuickCam!]
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- Read About Homeschool Families
The
Heart of a Family
Searching America for New Traditions That Fulfill Us
by Cox, Meg
200 families relate their vitally important and heartwarming
family rituals. 1998 Hardcover.
Surrendering
to Motherhood
Losing Your Mind, Finding Your Soul
by Iris Krasnow
One woman's search for spiritual fulfillment and personal identity,
and finding herself in the love and calamity of motherhood. 1997
Paperback
Magical
Child
by Pearce, Joseph Chilton
I heard Dr. Pearce speak at the CA Home=Ed Conference about the
heart-mind connection; how to nurture true intelligence. 1992
Paperback
A
Sense of Self
Listening to Homeschooled Adolescent Girls
by Sheffer, Susannah
Homeschooled girls are not Ophelias waiting to be revived! 1997
Paperback
The
Courage to Raise Good Men
by Silverstein, Olga, & Beth Rashbaum
Why boys raised by loving, involved mothers turn out to be such
good men. Removes fear of "emasculating" your son by
homeschooling. 1995 Paperback
Living
Joyfully With Children
by Sweet, Win & Bill
I met these Milpitas authors at the Home=Education Conference.
A heartfelt guidebook on having a joyful and fulfilling life
with your children. 1997 Paperback
Family
Literacy
Young Children Learning to Read and Write
by Taylor, Denny
This study provides insight into the ways in which children learn
to read and write within the context of everyday family experiences.
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